I'm sure every parent has mixed emotions....maybe not. But with Andrew, I felt like I was feeding leaving my baby to the wolves chaos of 18 month-3 year olds. Having a child with cerebral palsy and special needs, makes this extra scary for me. Seeing other kids his age is sometimes hard. Heck, it's hard to see babies born 7-8 months ago doing more things than Andrew. But this is our life and this is our boy, who was sent to be apart of OUR family. I love him more than words can express. Being in the field of special education for nine years, you'd think it would make things easier. But truthfully, NOTHING could have prepped me for the things I'm facing now as a parent with a child with special needs. I'm trying not to be one of those overprotective moms, but Andrew is not like every other child. Both Stephen and I feel like he needs the social interaction and that nursery will be a good thing for him. With that said, I still worry...A LOT. Can't imagine what I'm going to be like when he goes to school for the first time.
On the plus side.....now I can actually start listening and participating....there is a reason I go to church and it's not to wrestle a little boy for 3 hours! :)
4 comments:
hey emily,
i always read your blog but stink at commenting latey--sorry--but i made sure to save this on my computer so i wouldn't forget!
i completely and totally relate to you here...when we put caleb in nursery he was so physically far behind the other kids. he couldn't walk, or even crawl. he scooted around on his rear end. i went with him the first week and 3 kids pushed him over when he was just minding his own business, and he cried so hard each time. it was just too much for me. so i told myself i would go until he could walk, and i did. he didn't walk until he was older than two, so ben & i switched back and forth. ben wasn't on board with this, he thought i was being too overprotective, but there were about 16 kids in there with him, and i just couldn't do leave him to fend for himself, and the leaders had their hands too full to watch out for him.
i have felt the same way in the struggle between overprotective vs. reality. and i have had to come to the realization over and over again that caleb IS different. he has cerebral palsy for pete's sake! it doesn't mean he is incapable, but it DOES mean that he isn't just the "average" or "normal" kid. he has and will ALWAYS have needs that are different, where exceptions need to be made sometimes.
i can't protect him from everything, and honestly, that would be doing him a disservice. i have to let him overcome so he can find his own strength, and to rely on his Heavenly Father to get him through tough situations. but i also need to listen to that mother's intuition, which is an extra-special gift from God, that i will go the extra mile with caleb, and take his needs into every decision that i make for him. and if i continually feel a "tug" about something, i will listen to it and not try to shove it down as me just wanting to protect him.
so i had to work really hard on battling anxiety--i had never had that before i had caleb--i had to learn to recognize the voice of fear and then recognize the voice of caleb's reality. and then i had to learn to surrender, trusting that God knows him even BETTER than i do. and that he will be there when he falls, he will be there when he struggles, in more of a way than i can ever be.
that's the only way i could send him off to school, {which was a different school than his friends, BTW, because they were in full-day and i knew it would be too hard on him physically, so i picked a nearby one that provided half-day} was being able to gauge where he was at the time, and praying my guts out to feel "tugged" one way or another.
you are an amazing person emily! and have been through so much in 18 months. and i don't know your husband personally, but he sounds amazing too. andrew has come to you two because God knew you could learn as much from him as he can learn from you. that is how i feel about caleb, nothing has been more heart-wrenching or faith-building than my first few years with him.
andrew is so absolutely adorable and i'm excited to continue reading about his life as he grows up on this blog. :)
good luck with all of these hard decisions. know you're not alone in how you feel, and that someone in arizona thinks you are amazing!!
-lynsey
Emily,
I think every parent does have mixed emotions. I'm sure the nursery leaders will come to love your cute little boy. Would it help you to go and sit in there with him for a few weeks? Families are wonderful. It is very evident to me that they are ordained of God.
I can't believe he's in nursery!!! I hope he loves it and there aren't too many tears- from him or you ;)
Emily, my heart goes out to you and Stephen. Your little Andrew is so sweet and will probably do so well in nursery! And really, I think sending him off to nursery is much more brave than eating seafood! :) Best of luck with this new adventure!
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